Bethan is gone, on a mission with Renata, Felix and Demetri. I am worried beyond comprehension and yet as soon as her feet hit American soil I was walking through Helenes house wondering if an appropriate time had passed between my arrival and the point in which I could kiss her. Apparently that time was about ten minutes. I am so ashamed of myself and yet I cannot seem to bring myself to tell either one to leave me be. I want them both and yet I want neither of them. This is a complication I do not need.
I wish to go back to the days of my self imposed exclusion, when I could have my way and then walk away. Uncomplicated in its very existence. None of these women ever really became a problem and those who did were simply killed...... I wonder if Helene and Bethan knew that I committed such acts if they would still claim their love for me. I doubt it. They both seem to have this unrealistic vision of me, one which I know I could not possibly live up to. They believe me to be a ‘good’ person, and that is something I know to be false. I have been called many things over the years and that is not one of them.
I am just vain enough to know that people want me...but Love me? That is a whole different situation, one that I fear I do not like. This can only lead to my breaking the two of them. I hesitate to do this….is it because I love them, or is it because I have not been looked at the way they look at me in so long that I struggle to remember who I really am?
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