It seems to be that I may have opened my heart a little too much, yet in doing so I have broken the hearts of others. How can it be possible that after so many years alone and heartsick over my one and only love Didyme, I have once again been thrown into the overwhelming confusion that is love?
Helene and Bethan, what am I to do?
My dear Helene has loved me for a long time....She has proclaimed her feelings for me and already I have damaged her soul. She has been a loyal friend and guard for many years....am I to simply break her? The kiss....the kiss was, interesting. I did not expect to feel so much after so many years, she has taken a piece of me and I fear she will hold it for eternity. Why did I never see her feelings before? Perhaps I was blocking them out. Perhaps I was not ready to know. In some ways I wish she had never told me and I could continue living blissfully unaware in my lonely existence. That was preferable to this confusion and pain I am causing her. I see the accusation in her eyes and this I simply cannot bear. She is beautiful, of course. She calls to me and this more than anything makes me wonder...... She has said that she will leave me be if I truly wish to be with Bethan, is this what I want? I do not want her to leave me, that is all I know. How can I go back now? How can she?
And then there is Bethan. She has only been with us for a short time and yet she seems to understand our ways and traditions in a way that both surprises and pleases me. After talking with her at length about her training she also began to have feelings for me. I suppose I am to blame in a way, she is new to this life and I believe part of her attraction to me is the fact that I am a Volturi leader. I should have made her stay away but I wouldn't...or couldn't? When she looks at me it is with utter devotion. How can I tell her I am not the man she thinks me to be? How can I tell her not to love me? I will only break her as I have my dear Helene. I feel the need to protect her even though I am quiet aware she can look after herself, why else would we have her in the guard? She is strong but timid, beautiful but modest, it intrigues me.
I wish someone would just tell me what I should do. I cannot go on as I am right now. Perhaps I should just stay alone, I have done so for this long...it should not be so hard to go back....should it? I am afraid I may be too damaged for love....and my love would be too damaging......
Helene and Bethan, what am I to do?
My dear Helene has loved me for a long time....She has proclaimed her feelings for me and already I have damaged her soul. She has been a loyal friend and guard for many years....am I to simply break her? The kiss....the kiss was, interesting. I did not expect to feel so much after so many years, she has taken a piece of me and I fear she will hold it for eternity. Why did I never see her feelings before? Perhaps I was blocking them out. Perhaps I was not ready to know. In some ways I wish she had never told me and I could continue living blissfully unaware in my lonely existence. That was preferable to this confusion and pain I am causing her. I see the accusation in her eyes and this I simply cannot bear. She is beautiful, of course. She calls to me and this more than anything makes me wonder...... She has said that she will leave me be if I truly wish to be with Bethan, is this what I want? I do not want her to leave me, that is all I know. How can I go back now? How can she?
And then there is Bethan. She has only been with us for a short time and yet she seems to understand our ways and traditions in a way that both surprises and pleases me. After talking with her at length about her training she also began to have feelings for me. I suppose I am to blame in a way, she is new to this life and I believe part of her attraction to me is the fact that I am a Volturi leader. I should have made her stay away but I wouldn't...or couldn't? When she looks at me it is with utter devotion. How can I tell her I am not the man she thinks me to be? How can I tell her not to love me? I will only break her as I have my dear Helene. I feel the need to protect her even though I am quiet aware she can look after herself, why else would we have her in the guard? She is strong but timid, beautiful but modest, it intrigues me.
I wish someone would just tell me what I should do. I cannot go on as I am right now. Perhaps I should just stay alone, I have done so for this long...it should not be so hard to go back....should it? I am afraid I may be too damaged for love....and my love would be too damaging......
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