Please love me not....

Bethan is gone, on a mission with Renata, Felix and Demetri. I am worried beyond comprehension and yet as soon as her feet hit American soil I was walking through Helenes house wondering if an appropriate time had passed between my arrival and the point in which I could kiss her. Apparently that time was about ten minutes. I am so ashamed of myself and yet I cannot seem to bring myself to tell either one to leave me be. I want them both and yet I want neither of them. This is a complication I do not need.

I wish to go back to the days of my self imposed exclusion, when I could have my way and then walk away. Uncomplicated in its very existence. None of these women ever really became a problem and those who did were simply killed...... I wonder if Helene and Bethan knew that I committed such acts if they would still claim their love for me. I doubt it. They both seem to have this unrealistic vision of me, one which I know I could not possibly live up to. They believe me to be a ‘good’ person, and that is something I know to be false. I have been called many things over the years and that is not one of them.

I am just vain enough to know that people want me...but Love me? That is a whole different situation, one that I fear I do not like. This can only lead to my breaking the two of them. I hesitate to do this….is it because I love them, or is it because I have not been looked at the way they look at me in so long that I struggle to remember who I really am?

And so it is........

It seems to be that I may have opened my heart a little too much, yet in doing so I have broken the hearts of others. How can it be possible that after so many years alone and heartsick over my one and only love Didyme, I have once again been thrown into the overwhelming confusion that is love?
Helene and Bethan, what am I to do?

My dear Helene has loved me for a long time....She has proclaimed her feelings for me and already I have damaged her soul. She has been a loyal friend and guard for many years....am I to simply break her? The kiss....the kiss was, interesting. I did not expect to feel so much after so many years, she has taken a piece of me and I fear she will hold it for eternity. Why did I never see her feelings before? Perhaps I was blocking them out. Perhaps I was not ready to know. In some ways I wish she had never told me and I could continue living blissfully unaware in my lonely existence. That was preferable to this confusion and pain I am causing her. I see the accusation in her eyes and this I simply cannot bear. She is beautiful, of course. She calls to me and this more than anything makes me wonder...... She has said that she will leave me be if I truly wish to be with Bethan, is this what I want? I do not want her to leave me, that is all I know. How can I go back now? How can she?

And then there is Bethan. She has only been with us for a short time and yet she seems to understand our ways and traditions in a way that both surprises and pleases me. After talking with her at length about her training she also began to have feelings for me. I suppose I am to blame in a way, she is new to this life and I believe part of her attraction to me is the fact that I am a Volturi leader. I should have made her stay away but I wouldn't...or couldn't? When she looks at me it is with utter devotion. How can I tell her I am not the man she thinks me to be? How can I tell her not to love me? I will only break her as I have my dear Helene. I feel the need to protect her even though I am quiet aware she can look after herself, why else would we have her in the guard? She is strong but timid, beautiful but modest, it intrigues me.

I wish someone would just tell me what I should do. I cannot go on as I am right now. Perhaps I should just stay alone, I have done so for this long...it should not be so hard to go back....should it? I am afraid I may be too damaged for love....and my love would be too damaging......

Renata and Santiago

It seems there is happy news from our fair city. My little guardian Renata and Santiago have gotten married. I have felt their relationship and have discovered a genuine love in their hearts, for which I am truly grateful. Renata has been so distant in the past, but I feel she has opened her beautiful heart to the only man who could tame her. Santiago is really a man of many talents but I feel this is his greatest achievement yet. I know in my soul that they will be happy...this is a good time for out family....