Marc My Words

Please love me not....

2009-05-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

Bethan is gone, on a mission with Renata, Felix and Demetri. I am worried beyond comprehension and yet as soon as her feet hit American soil I was walking through Helenes house wondering if an appropriate time had passed between my arrival and the point in which I could kiss her. Apparently that time was about ten minutes. I am so ashamed of myself and yet I cannot seem to bring myself to tell either one to leave me be. I want them both and yet I want neither of them. This is a complication I do not need.

I wish to go back to the days of my self imposed exclusion, when I could have my way and then walk away. Uncomplicated in its very existence. None of these women ever really became a problem and those who did were simply killed...... I wonder if Helene and Bethan knew that I committed such acts if they would still claim their love for me. I doubt it. They both seem to have this unrealistic vision of me, one which I know I could not possibly live up to. They believe me to be a ‘good’ person, and that is something I know to be false. I have been called many things over the years and that is not one of them.

I am just vain enough to know that people want me...but Love me? That is a whole different situation, one that I fear I do not like. This can only lead to my breaking the two of them. I hesitate to do this….is it because I love them, or is it because I have not been looked at the way they look at me in so long that I struggle to remember who I really am?

And so it is........

2009-05-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

It seems to be that I may have opened my heart a little too much, yet in doing so I have broken the hearts of others. How can it be possible that after so many years alone and heartsick over my one and only love Didyme, I have once again been thrown into the overwhelming confusion that is love?
Helene and Bethan, what am I to do?

My dear Helene has loved me for a long time....She has proclaimed her feelings for me and already I have damaged her soul. She has been a loyal friend and guard for many years....am I to simply break her? The kiss....the kiss was, interesting. I did not expect to feel so much after so many years, she has taken a piece of me and I fear she will hold it for eternity. Why did I never see her feelings before? Perhaps I was blocking them out. Perhaps I was not ready to know. In some ways I wish she had never told me and I could continue living blissfully unaware in my lonely existence. That was preferable to this confusion and pain I am causing her. I see the accusation in her eyes and this I simply cannot bear. She is beautiful, of course. She calls to me and this more than anything makes me wonder...... She has said that she will leave me be if I truly wish to be with Bethan, is this what I want? I do not want her to leave me, that is all I know. How can I go back now? How can she?

And then there is Bethan. She has only been with us for a short time and yet she seems to understand our ways and traditions in a way that both surprises and pleases me. After talking with her at length about her training she also began to have feelings for me. I suppose I am to blame in a way, she is new to this life and I believe part of her attraction to me is the fact that I am a Volturi leader. I should have made her stay away but I wouldn't...or couldn't? When she looks at me it is with utter devotion. How can I tell her I am not the man she thinks me to be? How can I tell her not to love me? I will only break her as I have my dear Helene. I feel the need to protect her even though I am quiet aware she can look after herself, why else would we have her in the guard? She is strong but timid, beautiful but modest, it intrigues me.

I wish someone would just tell me what I should do. I cannot go on as I am right now. Perhaps I should just stay alone, I have done so for this long...it should not be so hard to go back....should it? I am afraid I may be too damaged for love....and my love would be too damaging......

Renata and Santiago

2009-05-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

It seems there is happy news from our fair city. My little guardian Renata and Santiago have gotten married. I have felt their relationship and have discovered a genuine love in their hearts, for which I am truly grateful. Renata has been so distant in the past, but I feel she has opened her beautiful heart to the only man who could tame her. Santiago is really a man of many talents but I feel this is his greatest achievement yet. I know in my soul that they will be happy...this is a good time for out family....

The Lord took her away from me......

2009-04-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

I have been a lost cause for a very long time. As much as I do not want to think it, let alone say it, I believe it is time to give up mourning for my love. I can see the sadness in my soul when I look into the mirror............................I am a shell.
Didyme

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

Knowing me.........

2009-04-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

MARCUS

You will get to know me as time passes but I will leave you to your wondering ways....

Leaders of the Volturi-
MARCUS
ARO
CAIUS

Wives-
Sulpicia
Athenodora

The Volturi Guard-
Renata
Felix
Demetri
Corin
Santiago
Jane
Alec
Helene
Bethan(In training)